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  “You need to cancel Peter out of the trip to China.” She tried to make it sound like a change in dinner reservations.

  Barbara sighed. “Oh, Jane. I'm sorry.”

  “I need a little time to fall apart.”

  “You don't have that kind of time. Sorry.”

  And with that, Barbara eased Jane into her lists. And her sub-lists. And her alternate lists. She told Jane precisely what to do for the rest of the day. And Jane obeyed.

  She got dressed and read over Barbara's list for the day, organized geographically. She went outside.

  She wired money to China to cover their local legal fees and the orphanage donation. She purchased gifts to give to everyone they met in China. She bought a shocking amount of Elimite cream, in case of scabies-babies. She bought jet lag cures and sleep masks for the flight. She bought disposable baby bottles for China. She tried not to think, because that would only slow her down. At home she opened a suitcase on the floor of her bedroom and dropped clothing into it from time to time.

  The day ended. The lists continued.

  …

  Henry Wong was a travel agent genius. The orphanage was on the outskirts of Haozhou, which was too small to have its own airport. But it was very near Guangzhou, and that was good news. It meant that they could stay in Guangzhou for the entire adoption process and make the day trip to Haozhou to meet their daughters. The U.S. Consulate was located in Guangzhou, and a visit there was the final, necessary step for all Americans who were adopting. There, the girls would be given their visas and would be allowed to fly back to the U.S.

  Still, he urged the Chinamoms to see Beijing while they could. Jane and Teresa looked sideways at Karen, expecting Karen to balk at the additional expense. Jane winced at the costs herself. But it was Karen who urged the others on.

  “We have a moral obligation to take in as much Chinese culture as we can. If we don't see the Great Wall of China, we're bad mothers.”

  They would spend a few days in Beijing and meet their fellow adopters from other cities, then the whole group would proceed to Guangzhou and a completely new world. It was settled. Jane adjusted her request to two airline tickets instead of three. Without Peter, she and Ray would look like any other couple adopting from China. And that was good, wasn't it?

  Karen wanted Jane to talk about the breakup. But none of them had time. Besides, it wasn't on Jane's list.

  …

  She had airline tickets, she was nearly packed, and finally, Jane had no more excuses for avoiding her father. She dialed.

  Howard filled her in on family current events. Hearing about her nieces and nephews made her feel like part of the family again, and maybe that would suffice for a sign.

  “Dad, I have news. I have good news.”

  “Did they promote you at work?” He wasn't going to make this easy.

  “I'm traveling. Next Tuesday. I'm going to China.”

  She heard him sigh. She thought she could still turn him around.

  “I have a picture of her. She's beautiful. She has these sad eyes and these—”

  “Jane, this is not a lost puppy. This is a human being. And this is a much bigger undertaking than you can imagine. You can not do this alone. I love you too much to stay silent on this point. Leave this child to be adopted by a married couple. Oh, honey, I'm sorry that this part of life passed you by, truly I am. But you just don't get to be a mother. And you can't satisfy that need in yourself at some innocent child's expense. It's a sin.”

  She would never turn him around. He kept talking.

  “It's not too late to fix this, sweetheart. Just don't get on that plane. You may think it has a momentum all its own, but it doesn't. This is a mistake that would cost you dearly and would cost her even more. Don't ruin your life and don't ruin hers. She's an innocent. You can stop this. Jane?”

  “No.”

  She hung up the phone.

  Chapter Fifteen

  Jane and Karen were whispering across the aisle of the plane, while the sensible passengers were sleeping.

  KAREN:You're killing me. Please. Tell me what happened.

  JANE:Oh, God, Karen. After the hateful conversation with my father, well, I cried a lot. A lot a lot. But then there was so much to do, still. I looked at my lists—

  KAREN:You and your lists. Your mom believed in early potty training. Am I right?

  JANE:Never mind. Anyway, I had to prewash the baby's clothes and there was still stuff to get, and I think I checked my paperwork for the consulate about thirty times. So thank God I took off from work for this whole week. All day Monday, I was running uptown and down, and my father's voice quieted down to a buzz in my head. A kind of gnat-buzz. Very annoying. But not enough to stop me in my tracks. But then one thing did stop me. Peter. I came home on Monday and found all his stuff gone. And this really lame note. “I'm sorry, I still love you, I never meant to hurt you. Please give me a chance to make it up to you.” Very unoriginal. And so not enough to help me. But all his stuff is gone. He's not coming back.

  KAREN:You already knew that, Jane. Didn't you? I knew that.

  JANE:Yes. I did. Of course I did. So. There I was on Monday night— my last actual night home, and I thought, if I don't do this stenciling, I'll never get it done. And I have to do it. It's not optional.

  KAREN:This is disturbing, do you know that? Stencils are always optional in my world, Jane.

  JANE:I wanted this for her room. It looked so cold and sterile. And I've been working on this stupid thing since my stupid dossier went to stupid China.

  KAREN:What is this stupid stencil, anyway?

  JANE:It's not stupid. It's the Chinese zodiac—all of the animals.

  KAREN:Awwww.

  JANE:Yeah. And let me tell you, it was hard to make a rat look cute. Anyway, so there I am, ready to do this. I put on some music and I start working and I really get into it. I'm loving the colors, and I don't know, maybe I'm stoned on all the paint, but I feel great. I get into the zen of stenciling. I work on it for a couple of hours, and it's really good anti-Peter therapy. I don't think about him. Much. I get all calm and easy. And then my buzzer rings. It's Teresa. I'm thinking, it's our last night home and what the hell is she doing at my door? She comes up and I can smell the liquor on her breath. She's kind of drunk. So I make her some instant coffee, because that's all I have, and she doesn't want any. She starts telling me about how we're about to get in way over our heads and we're all crazy. Turns out, she spent the day with Megan and baby Stella.

  KAREN:Oh. She was pulling a Greta?

  JANE:Yes! And I've never seen her hair messed up like that. She's so busy pacing and shaking her head, she doesn't even notice. At first she'd make sense, and then she wouldn't. So I'm sitting there, freaking out, trying to figure out what to say to her. I can't make her go through with this if she doesn't want to. On the other hand, I think she wants to. And by the way, this whole time, she's wearing jeans and a T-shirt.

  KAREN:Wow!

  JANE:Yes, wow. So I try to talk to her about the nursery schools where her daughter is already waitlisted and about the gaggle of nannies she'll have working for her, and she keeps shaking her head. So it's getting late and I tell her that I have to finish stenciling Beth's room.

  KAREN:That is so cold. She's in crisis and you have an urgent crafts problem?

  JANE:Wait. So she comes in and sees it, and I've gotten carried away with the whole red thread border thing and she likes it. I was relieved, to tell you the truth. I wasn't sure that the border worked. Anyway, she helps me finish the red thread, and that takes like a good hour and a half, and we're playing music and stenciling and—

  KAREN:You got her stoned on paint.

  JANE:I did not. I … I don't think I did. Anyway, we get really quiet toward the end and we just do the stencil. It's the middle of the night now, and we're tired. But we're doing really careful, gentle work. And it looks amazing. And when we're done, she puts on her shoes and—

  KAREN:She took off her s
hoes? You skipped that!

  JANE:She puts on her shoes and she says, “Well, the room looks lovely and I imagine our girls will have enormous fun playing here,” and then she leaves. And me, I clean up and go to bed.

  KAREN:Cool.

  JANE:And today, I get up and my lists are down so low, and I'm running around and I know I'm going to make it. I'm fine. I can't even hear my dad anymore. Ray is going to come to my place for dinner before the car comes to pick us up for the airport, and then he calls and cancels the dinner. Fine, no problem. One less thing to take care of. But then he calls and says let's schedule the car to pick us up a little later. Big bad sign right there, and I should have known. I didn't say anything, but I should have. So it's time to go and the car gets here and Ray isn't here. So I ask the car guy to wait and he does. And I call Ray and he's not there, and that's good. That means he's on his way. And I pull my suitcases downstairs and put them in the car and I see the Christ Child, and I think this is a good sign—

  KAREN:Who did you see?

  JANE:The Christ Child. He's this baby and he's gorgeous and I kind of call him the Christ Child. But only in my head.

  KAREN:That's so wrong on so many levels I'm going to have to let it go.

  JANE:Good. So now I'm calling Ray's cell, and I'm not getting an answer, and good. That must mean that he's on the subway or something. But it's really getting late and I'm starting to feel a little tense. I go upstairs to see if he's called. He hasn't. I go downstairs to see if he's there. He's not. I go back upstairs to see if he's called. You get the idea. It's a lot of stairs, and a lot of Ray not being there. Now, this is an international flight, right? So we're supposed to check in two hours in advance, and we are now two and a half hours from takeoff, and out of nowhere I figure I can just call Peter. I'm this close to dialing his number.

  KAREN:Very resourceful. In a misguided, bad kind of way.

  JANE:Exactly. And I'm thinking Peter will come with me and meet Beth, and when he does, he'll snap out of his stupidity and choose me over his wife and his parents and we'll be happy. Somehow. So I call him.

  KAREN:What did he say?

  JANE:He wasn't there. I got his machine. I left a message. “You busy tonight? Want to go to China and get a baby?” And I hear myself sounding so crazy that I hang up. I can't have Peter in my head right now. It's him or me.

  KAREN:I pick you. Go on.

  JANE:Now, at this point, it's like two hours from takeoff and I tell the guy, “Drive. Just drive to the airport. I'm not missing this flight.”

  KAREN:This is giving me a stomachache. Please finish.

  JANE:You know how it ends. We see Ray running down my street, suitcases in hand, waving and yelling, and I say, “Stop!” and Ray gets in. He's a mess and he's upset.

  KAREN:So? What happened? Was it your dad?

  JANE:No. He fell asleep. He's been trying to switch over to China time in advance. Anyway, he's all upset and I'm trying to stay calm but I'm thinking, “If we miss this flight, I'll hurt you so bad.” And the driver knows. He can hear my thoughts or something because he gets us there. Somehow we didn't hit one red light, we didn't hit any traffic, we just flew to the airport. It felt like we never touched the ground. And then we checked in and we even got to sit in the lounge for three whole minutes before they called us to board the flight, and that's when we found you guys.

  Jane's sleep mask was dangling like unfortunate jewelry. She knew she should sleep too. She consulted her list about how to avoid jet lag. She glanced at the in-flight movie. Julia Roberts was about to find love or fulfillment, or maybe even both. Peter always made fun of Julia Roberts. Jane pulled the mask over her eyes and went to sleep.

  She woke up in Korea, where they had a long layover. They dominated the lounge and tried to pick out any other adopting Americans. There was the large woman who was crocheting a panda. Too easy. The very large couple who whispered into each other's ears. Possibly. The extremely large woman who looked scared. Maybe.

  Oh, she was reading a baby book. Yes. Another Mommy.

  Day One

  Hi. Welcome to my Travel Journal. Today, we are in Beijing. I can't believe I just wrote that sentence. I never used to keep journals. But this trip is too important, so here goes:

  When we arrived in Beijing, I was the last one off the plane. Barbara had told us that James Lui was going to meet us at the airport. He's going to be our tour guide/facilitator for the trip. So everybody forged ahead to find him outside, or maybe they just wanted a little sunshine. It's very hot and sunny here in Beijing. So I saw this man in the crowd. He was holding up a sign for “Foundering Mothers.” Close enough.

  James's English is wonderful, especially compared to my Chinese. Maybe I'm naïve, but I thought it was impressive that so many Chinese speak English. And so many speak it so well. So the whole Chinamom group boarded a private bus, and we clunked our way into the heart of the capital. Along the way, James provided fun, tour-guide facts.

  “Do you see so many bicycles? In fact, you could almost say that Beijing is the Kingdom of Bicycles.”

  We were all nodding and smiling, but really, we were in some kind of shock. It was more than jet lag, but less than culture shock. Everyone in this group has traveled enough to be jaded and smug, but we couldn't muster any smug just then. After all, this was China. China.

  James would tell us in English that “Beijing is much larger than your New York City. You will not see it all, but you will see many great and historic sites in our time together.” And then he'd say something very quick and slightly hostile in Chinese to the driver.

  Oh, God, the driving. The traffic was terrifying. It was a free-for-all. The Kingdom of Bicycles is in a state of anarchy. Cars blocked grids, switched lanes, and aggressively cut off anyone and anything. And yield at your own peril. So far, every time we have crossed a street has been a stunt from a bad reality show.

  James told us that we were the late arrivers.

  “Your other Americans were at the Winter Palace today. Tomorrow, you will see the Forbidden City also along with them. It will be beautiful.”

  Okay here comes my snobbery. The other Americans in the group were the non–New Yorkers. They lived in real places that New Yorkers emigrated from and then felt superior to. These people had arrived in Beijing earlier. I was so jealous already.

  The hotel is fine, I guess. It's disappointingly Western in every way, except for the large sign in the bathroom that shouts DO NOT DRINK THE WATER!! I've been warned about this on all the listservs. Don't drink it, don't brush your teeth with it, and keep your mouth shut tight in the shower. Got it.

  I checked my answering machine at home. There was a message from Peter.

  “Jane. If I'd been home, I would have come with you in a heartbeat. I miss you a lot. I hope you got to China okay. I guess since you're not picking up, you must be in China. Or still really mad at me. Or both.”

  I must have been still tired and jet-lagged, because I started crying. I love Ray and I want him to be here, but I want Peter too. That's so disloyal to Ray. I can't believe I just wrote it.

  So I told Ray I was going to call Peter back. Ray tried to talk me out of it. Aside from the fact that the call itself would cost a semester's tuition at Harvard, what would be the point of returning that call right here right now? He made perfect sense. I dialed the phone.

  Got his voice mail. His damn voice mail. It was a sign. I hung up without saying anything, then I told Ray that he was right.

  So. We started Project Stay Awake! Why? Because you have to stay awake if you want to get over jet lag. So we all set out for a walk almost immediately.

  The Most Surprising Things in Beijing Were:

  TIANANMEN SQUARE. EVERYONE TALKS ABOUT IT LIKE IT'S JUST A PLACE. PEOPLE GO THERE EVERY DAY.

  THE CROWDS. REMEMBER, I LIVE IN MANHATTAN, AND THIS CITY MADE ME FEEL LIKE THE COUNTRY MOUSE.

  PETER. I KEEP THINKING ABOUT HIM. I KEEP WONDERING WHAT HE

  would think of this place. He's
here in my head. I saw a little boy in split pants. The middle seam of the pants is split open, and little kids are dangled over potties or streets to do their business. And not a pooper scooper in sight. I thought about how I would tell the story to Peter. I need to keep “don't think of Peter” on my to-do list.

  James urged us all to come out to dinner with the larger group. He's a real gourmand, and he wants to show off all his favorite restaurants to his guests. Peter would absolutely love this part of the trip. Jesus. I have to stop writing about him.

  I don't remember much about dinner. I was too tired for conversation. Before I forget—Ray was right: If he, Peter, and I had all traveled together, we would have freaked everyone out. After a while, I realized that everyone assumed that Ray and I were married and Karen and Charles were married, and that Teresa and Beverly were lesbians. Fine.

  Day Two

  It wasn't until this morning when we were in the Forbidden City that I really woke up. I am really in China. I am on the other side of the earth, and I'm coming home with a baby. Sorry if my pen slipped there, that last word was “baby” So we toured this amazing place and I studied the architecture so that I could push the b-b-b-baby part of that revelation to one side.

  James is so smart. He had us all enter from the North Gate, because most tourists enter from the South. This way, it seemed as if we had the Forbidden City to ourselves for most of the tour.

  He asked us if we had ever seen The Last Emperor. Most of us had, and I couldn't believe my eyes. This is where the little boy Emperor rode his bike. Remember?

  One guy is seeing China strictly through the LCD panel of his video camera. He was adding his own narration to his videotape and, yes, this is America (or it will be when he watches it), so I guess he can do that. But he still bugged me. When James showed the house of the concubines, the American narration was “and here's where the Emperor kept his bitches.” I think Teresa was actually twitching toward a confrontation, but she must have thought better of it.