... and Baby Makes Two Page 21
“Yes, you couldn't have.”
“Thank God for Peter.”
Ray stopped in his tracks, like he was shot through the heart. Jane did her best backpedaling.
“What I mean is I couldn't do what she's doing. All alone like that. All day, every day. All along, I wondered how I would do it. And after today, I know I couldn't have done it alone. This was hard, even with the two of us. Come on, don't be mad. Please?”
“Why can't I be mad at you, Jane? Can't I be mad for twelve minutes?”
Ray was louder than Jane had expected, and he kept shouting.
“You know what you are? You know what your problem is? You're the Great Underestimator. You think you can't do this. You think I can't help you, that you have to have Peter.”
Ray was crying. Jane held her breath. She had seen Ray cry before, but not in the middle of a busy street. Jesus. This was bad.
“You just had to have him, didn't you? You know, this was my one chance, my one shot at sort of being a dad. But you didn't think that you and I could do it. And you took it away”
She took a chance and hugged him. He tolerated her embrace while he cried for a few more minutes.
“I'm sorry. I didn't— I mean, I knew you'd be great. And you still will be. But I fell in love with Peter. I really did.”
Ray was quieter now. “I don't usually stay friends with anyone who leaves me for another man. You're the sole exception. So don't push it. And try to remember that Peter is only Peter. You could have done this alone.” Ray's voice still changed when he said Peter's name, spitting out the P.
“I thought you and Burton were looking into adopting. What happened?”
“The way we fight? I don't know. Maybe we could adopt the offstage kid from Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf”
“Isn't he fictional? Anyway, he's taken.”
“Then we're doomed. We managed to kill a plastic cactus. Apparently you're not supposed to put them on the radiator. Who knew?”
…
At her new/old job, Jane had no privacy but lots of downtime, so she paid attention to the listservs more than ever. The other Help Desk staffers all seemed to have their own online missions. Jane's was the SEPT_DTC list that Karen and Teresa had discovered. There were no flame wars in this much smaller group, but Mona, the leader, posted her lack of news every Tuesday and Friday. China didn't drop any hints about when referrals were about to happen. Everyone knew that, and it really sounded like the agency was making up news, just to keep Mona happy. But the group hung on every non-word.
“The dossiers have completed the translation process and are in the matching room. Right now!!! We're being matched with our beautiful girls!!!!” Mona posted.
“They're assembling the medical reports!! We're matched!! It's just a matter of time now!!!!!” Mona posted.
“It's a holiday in China, so everything's on hold for a few days! I can't stand this suspense much longer!!!!!” Mona posted.
On the bigger lists, whenever batches of referrals came in, the proud parents posted with subject lines like:
!!!!!!!!REFERRAL!!!!!!!!
or
∗∗∗∗∗∗IT’S A GIRL∗∗∗∗∗∗
or
∼∼∼∼∼∼I’M A MOM∼∼∼∼∼∼
Jane, Karen, and Teresa began to scour all the lists for those subject headings. They were panning for gold. When all the August referrals came in, Jane pictured the Chinamoms stepping forward in a line. No one was in front of Jane, Karen, and Teresa now. Jane wanted to post one of those overpunctuated announcements.
“Who are you going to travel with?” was the big question among the Chinamoms. This was not a decision to make lightly. Your travel partner was the adoption world's version of the Lamaze coach.
Teresa was traveling with Beverly, an old friend. She had chosen her scientifically: Bev worked for NBC News and had traveled a great deal. She had an eleven-year-old son, and Teresa was very fond of the boy. The two women had traveled together previously without incident. Done. Bev would travel with Teresa.
Karen opted to travel with an ex-boyfriend. This sounded crazy, but Karen and Charles had remained friends over the years. And he would be strong enough to hoist luggage—a point that Teresa took to heart. Who would lift her heavy things?
Jane was greedy. She wanted to bring Peter and Ray. Both. Little Beth would have three grown-ups fawning over her in China, although Jane was the only official parent. Peter could bond with Beth right away, and already play the part of Dad before he adopted her later in the U.S. And Ray would be her favorite uncle at first glance, and that just had to be enough to make him happy. True, he had said he wouldn't go, but she wouldn't allow that. She would withhold love and baby time, if need be. He would always know how to help her breathe.
…
Jane and Ray met for breakfast before work on a stray Wednesday. He tried to convince her to play hooky from her dull, dull work and see a matinee with him. He worried that he was losing his edge as a critic and needed another perspective. He was liking too many shows these days. But she couldn't. The job might be dull, but she needed it. She had stopped worrying about looming unemployment, and that was a reason to do right by them.
Jane didn't tell him the real reason she wanted to go to the office that day. She felt too foolish. She would tell him much later, but she had a feeling that she needed to be near the phone.
Jane carried a cup of tea to her desk and made herself comfortable. She was about to take a sip when the phone rang. She put down the cup, knowing that this call was The Call she had been waiting for.
“Hello, Mommy” It was Barbara. Jane managed no words at all. Barbara understood. She had made this sort of call before, so she kept talking.
“I'm looking at your referral, and your beautiful daughter's face. Her name is Hao Wei Xian. She is in the Haozhou Social Welfare Institute in Guangdong Province. She's ten months old, and she's in very good health.”
Jane tried to catch her breath. Barbara continued.
“All your girls are in the same orphanage, so you, Karen, and Teresa will definitely travel together. All the girls were given the surname Hao, for the name of the town.”
Jane tried to write it down, but she couldn't hold the pen. When she finally spoke she said, “My name is Howe too.”
“I know, honey. I'm going to call the others now. Congratulations, Jane, you're a mom.”
Chapter Thirteen
At 10% Jane could see the red background.
25%: Come on! Oh, God, this was taking forever to open!
30%: The top of her head. A brush of black hair. Like a pagoda or a punk rocker.
44%: A blank forehead.
68%: Dark eyes. Sad. Soulful. The word “responsibility” flashed in Jane's head.
75%: A pouty mouth. Beauty.
100%: Tiny shoulders. Blue's Clues pajamas.
My Baby.
Jane sat at her computer and stared at the scanned picture of Her Daughter. The tears had subsided, and she blessed Bill Gates and all the demons of technology that had gotten this picture to her so quickly. She printed it on a printer no one is supposed to use unless they have permission from God.
…
The phone rang. Karen and Teresa were conferencing Jane.
“We're mommies! We're mommies!”
They composed their joyous ∗∗∗∗∗REFERRAL∗∗∗∗∗ messages for the listserv and even received a handful of e-mail congratulations from kind strangers around the country. They celebrated. They were giddy. They were useless. Jane ran outside so that she could call Peter and Ray and have a good cry in the privacy of a busy street. She was coherent for Peter's message, but a blubbery mess for Ray's. No matter. Ray was one of the few people who understood Jane through sobs.
“Where are you, Jane? I can't possibly work any more today. I have to see you and all the Chinamoms.”
“We're going to meet at the Melting Pot and celebrate.”
…
Jane
walked down the street, clutching the picture of Her Daughter and sneaking peeks. The Chinamoms hugged and cried and continued to stare at their photos. Long silences ended with fits of giggles.
All three babies were about ten months old and about the same size. Each was dressed in the same Blue's Clues pj's, photographed against the same red background. Jane pictured someone picking out the perfect photo outfit, then starting a baby assembly line on Photo Day. You look gorgeous, baby now take off the pj's and give them to the next kid.
Ray made a grand entrance.
“Hello, Little Mamas!” He gave each photo a rave review, but had to stop when he finally held Jane's photo. He didn't say anything, then embraced Jane.
“She's a beauty,” he whispered.
They ordered food and stared at that too. Karen started a small game.
“Oh, did I mention? I got my referral!”
Everyone feigned surprise, then Jane and Theresa announced their own referrals. They repeated this exchange more than a few times that afternoon. Lost in baby bliss, it felt like the height of funny. They repeated it too many times to be sensible.
Teresa asked, “Should we be getting ready or something? I mean, how soon til we travel? What do we need to do before then?”
Jane sensed a list in the making. “I've got to work on the baby's room. It's a wreck, it's full of junk, and I'll need to paint it and—”
“Not tonight,” Ray announced. “For twenty-four hours, we bask. Reality will keep.”
Teresa agreed, and the basking continued.
…
Jane was home, standing in the middle of the living room. Peter walked in, still a bit breathless from the climb up the stairs.
“I'm sorry. I tried to call you at work. Can I see her?”
Jane held up the picture. Peter's mouth fell open.
“She's so perfect. So—I don't know—complete.”
“Complete?”
“Fingers and toes and eyes and ears. Complete. A complete little person. And she's ours. Yours.”
“Ours.”
“Jane. This is all from you. You're like this amazing gift that I got and I never deserved. Thank you. Thank you, Jane. Thank you, God. Thank you.”
Little Wei Xian, soon to be known as Beth, was probably fast asleep on the other side of the planet, unaware of the family that was tugging on a red thread to bring her home.
Jane didn't want to sleep that night. Like a child, she wanted to stay awake and keep having fun. Her sleep was deep and dreamless.
…
Jane toned down her announcement to Sheila, who did not tone down her reaction. She screamed with delight. Jane could tell she was crying.
“You have to tell me everything that happens. If I can't get pregnant again, I'm doing this. Why doesn't everyone do this? Oh, Jane, you have a baby!”
“I haven't told Dad yet,” Jane confessed.
“Yes, well, I can't really blame you. Don't tell him until Peter is legally separated or single or something. That's my two pennies. Wait.”
“That's another conversation I need to have. I don't know what's happening with Peter and his divorce. He was so blue after that last trip I decided I'd tread carefully. Let him bring it up. I don't want to be that girlfriend-nag.”
“Ick.”
“Ick,” Jane agreed.
Meanwhile, she needed to make a list. Several lists. Maybe she'd start by making a list of the necessary lists. An Über-List.
PAPERWORK TO BE ASSEMBLED FOR CHINA.
PACK MOMMY FOR CHINA.
PACK BABY STUFF FOR CHINA.
BABY'S ROOM.
BABY'S WARDROBE AND LIFE NECESSITIES.
HOW TO COPE WHEN WE FIRST COME HOME.
Each of the list titles was a mountaintop. This was massive. What the hell had she been doing all these months? Nothing! She could have been buying baby clothes. She could have been stenciling the baby's room. She could have been gathering the many packing lists that circulated on the listserv.
Barbara assured her that none of her adoptive parents ever did any of those things during the wait. But Jane still wanted to be the A student. Barbara laughed at her.
“Janie, this is the duck-to-water part for you. This is about lists and organization. I just want you to get something: This is the easy part.”
Easy? Was she being sarcastic? All the stress, all the unknowns, all the work, and this was easy? Jane wanted to answer her, but she had no words. She knew her face looked like an ad for a horror movie, but she couldn't help that.
“Never mind, never mind.” Barbara's voice was soothing. “Show me your lists. Let's work through them.” Jane smiled and pulled a manila folder from her bag.
“Here.”
“Ah. Good.” Barbara studied the list of lists, and some subsequent lists. “And, Jane? I'm glad things are working out with Peter so far.” So far? Jane feared that she was developing facial tics. So far? Barbara must have seen that tic.
“What I mean is I'm glad that you're getting all this happiness. You deserve it.”
Jane hated herself for ever being mean in her head to Barbara. She hugged her teacher and said, “Tell me I'll be ready”
“You'll be ready”
…
Trapped at work, Jane scoured the listservs for packing lists. Some of these were a little scary. These included suggestions on how much clothing to bring and what the Chinese think of Americans who wear shorts (they don't approve). There was an intimidating list of medications, both over-the-counter and prescription, that everyone should bring to China. Peter found a list that advised everyone to pack adult diapers, in case of Mao's Revenge.
And then she knew that her boss was standing behind her. She did a quick alt-tab to something work related, as she had always seen her own staff do when she crept up from behind. She spun around.
“Oh, hi, Kendra. What's up?”
“I need to talk to you.” Doom. “Let's go in my office.” No! No! Mercy!
“Okay”
Jane was paper white when she sat in Kendra's office. She couldn't fake calm. Kendra cried out, “Oh! Don't be scared. I just wanted to offer you my son's old baby furniture! I've got a crib, a changing table, and some other stuff you might want. It's all in my basement. Do you want them? Oh, you poor thing!”
Jane happily accepted and wondered how much more her heart could take.
…
Jane and Peter took a Saturday drive to Buy-Buy Baby. Ray had assigned them decorative items to purchase for the baby's room, which he swore he would convert to a real nursery. They were parents-to-be with big shopping lists. Jane was shopping like a soldier these days, but then she saw Peter holding the cute little onesies and went weak in the knees. Peter kissed her and said another “Thank you for all this. Thank you.”
As Jane and Peter debated over plain crib sheets vs. ultimate crib sheets, a saleswoman strolled by. “Do you know if you're having a boy or a girl?”
Peter didn't even pause. “A girl.”
“Oh, how nice. Take a look at these John Lennon sheets. They're very popular.” They looked, they cooed and threw more and more onto the pile. A whole new life was going to need a lot of stuff.
“Have you and your wife picked out a stroller yet?”
Peter replied, “Not yet.”
The bubbly saleswoman had a universe of strollers, and Peter studied them carefully. He very nearly kicked the tires on them. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
“I read about this one. This is really top of the line. Jane? Look at this.”
The massive triangular stroller was designed for people who want to jog while strolling their babies. Jane couldn't imagine something she would want to do less than jog while strolling a baby. She lifted the stroller, or tried to.
“No. Too heavy” And she moved to another part of the stroller galaxy. She was picking up super-light strollers when she realized that Peter was following her with the super-heavy stroller. Why?
“Peter, why do y
ou still have that one? It's way too heavy to get up and down all those stairs.”
“Here's a deluxe travel stroller,” said the bubbly saleswoman. “Great for walk-ups.”
And indeed, that stroller looked like a light delight. But Peter said, “Can you put this one aside for us?” And he slid the heavy jog stroller over to her. Bubbles looked just as puzzled as Jane did.
“Sir. This one might be too heavy for your wife to carry upstairs. Remember, you have to hold the baby while you do that.”
“I know. But this one'll be great for when we move out of the city.”
Oh, my God.
“I see!” said Bubbles. “Have you and your wife picked out baby furniture? If you're leaving the city you can look at the larger pieces over here.”
Oh. My. God.
“Great,” said Peter. And then he had the nerve to add, “But we're not married.”
Oh. My. God.
Jane actually growled as she pushed the jog stroller out of her way and marched to the exit. She could hear Peter bustling along behind her. He was weighed down with the bags of baby stuff they had already purchased.
“Jane! What are you doing?”
She wondered if her entire family tree possessed enough sarcasm to answer Peter.
“I'm going to join the Stepford Wives club.” Jane didn't stop moving until she got to the car. “Let me help you catch up. Previously, on our life together: I'm not moving to the suburbs. I'm just not.”
He looked genuinely surprised. Was he an idiot? “I thought we had this fight already. And I thought I won,” he said.
Now it was Jane's turn to be surprised. “I thought I won.”
They hustled themselves and their stuff into Peter's car. They didn't speak. They crawled through traffic for a few blocks. Still not speaking.
Not until Jane said, “And when are you getting divorced?” Okay, no one likes to sound like The Bold and the Beautiful, but she kept talking anyway. “And why did you have to tell that woman that we're not married?”
“Well. We're not.”
Oh, damn, she didn't want to lose the logic side of the argument. She didn't know where to turn. She fell back on preadolescent repetition.